Started on 10/9/2014, completed on 3/25/2015
The day of my wedding was a beautiful sunny day in May, not a cloud in the sky. I was filled with joy. The day I filed for divorce was a beautiful sunny day in October, not a cloud in the sky. It is interesting how I feel just as joyful. The event is completely different but the level of happiness is just the same.
I know many people would not understand this because we have been raised to believe that weddings are happy events and divorces are not. For me, the reason why this event feels just as happy is because ever since my separation almost two years ago, I have been working on myself to heal my heart from the break up. The best thing that worked for me was meditation; especially Loving-kindness meditation which is sending love to yourself and others sincerely and without judgment. Break ups hurt but the heart is a muscle and muscles can be trained to gain strength. I loved the man who used to be my husband for 15 years. I loved him very deeply. When I met him I was very impressed of how generous, kind, loving and hard working he was. He loved my family and my family loved him as well. His family loved me too and I loved them as well. It did not take me long to fall in love. He told me he has never fallen in love before and neither have I. It was a first for both of us. It was a great love. It was meant to be… while the causes and conditions were the same. (Always remember “Impermanence”)
Deciding to separate was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life so far. I gave this man and relationship my heart and soul… how do you claim that back?…. It turns out you can… Actually, your heart and your soul are always yours so you can never really give them away.
I truly loved him and I truly suffered when I separated. I lived both emotions with high intensity.
To my surprise, only six months after separating I fell in love with someone new. It felt very deep, “like the very first time”… “like teen spirit”… “like a virgin”…What the hell is going on?!?! The emotion felt really good but the logical part in my brain could not comprehend what was happening. It kept asking questions, why, how, when, are you sure, what if… etc. But it really felt good to be around this person. My heart knew he was genuinely good and kind and my heart trusted that this feeling was true. My brain on the other hand made me keep at bay because it was all too new, too strong and too fast! I only started interacting with him for a couple months and I had to leave town for a month so when he was around my brain kept saying “Human do not engage in contact. Abort, abort!” My heart was not pleased and my heart also knew that he liked me back. There were times when he tried to engage, but my brain was convinced it was best to avoid this before the trip. So, I left on my trip thinking the feeling will dissipate and disappear like the brain told me it would.
The trip I went to was spiritual and educational and I had a lot of time to meditate and reflect about everything I have lived so far, especially love and relationships. To my surprise all I could think about was him…. The guy I only met a couple months ago. I could not believe it and the craziest thing was that knowing him for such little time and being away for so long, I completely forgot his face…. I forgot his face but I did not forget how I felt when he was around and it filled my heart with joy. But how can you forget someone’s face and remember with clarity the feeling you have for that person? I decided to compare this to the memory I had of my ex-husband. I meditated in silence and recalled his face, which came with total clarity, however when I recalled for a feeling, there was nothing there. That was when I realized that the love I had for him as a mate ceased to exist. Then I knew my heart has healed from the separation and was ready to love again. Even more importantly, I realized that I did not love my ex-husband with the intensity I did because of who he was or what he did. I loved him deeply because THAT IS HOW I LOVE. The love I have to offer is profound and devoted. I love with that kind of intensity. This quality is a component of my being. This realization healed me even deeper and gave me the assurance that deep love flows through me at anytime and anywhere and I can share this love with anyone I choose to. Realizing this liberated me from all the pain and suffering from the separation. My heart became brand new and I was not afraid to offer my love never again.
I wanted to write this for sometime ago because I wanted to share with you, not only the good news about my loving heart but also I want YOU to find out for yourself: How is that you love? Have you ever asked yourself that and can you share that love fearlessly with anyone and love even yourself with that intensity? I think we all can. I do not know how you love. Only you can go deep within and find out for yourself, but from going deep within myself, I know that humans have the capacity to love profoundly and fearlessly. This lesson taught me that Love is never ending and always flowing. When we separate from the people we love, we suffer heartbreak and the reason we do not recover is because we are attached to the form. We attach to the visual, the physical part of the love… The way the person looked, who the person was, the label we gave him/her, what he/she did etc. However, when we let go of the form we discover that the heart loves PERIOD and we can direct that love to any person we choose to, including ourselves. We were all made to love. They say “Love is blind”. Now I know that Love is blind because it does not need a visual/form to share pure love. Love just loves.