I have been hanging on to my story for quite a while. I was abandoned, sick and all alone, left to my own devices, misjudged, misunderstood and unsupported. There was a time I used to cry every single day and it went on for months. If you see me now, you would have never guessed it because I’m always smiling; despite what happened I have been always a happy go lucky person. If you look at me now, you will see wrinkles around my eyes, which are a physical result of the constant crying, but you will also see the sparkle inside my eyes; that, is the result of building faith. Faith in myself, faith in my spiritual teacher and his teachings and faith in the powerful force that is God. The girl that suffered so much for so long was my inspiration to deepen my spiritual path because I knew she wanted to live; she loved life so much and she knew there was more to life than this physical reality, she had a clear conviction. Even though our spiritual growth and transformation never ceases to end, I would say, my mission to mold that scared, sad and lonely girl into who she is now, has been accomplished.
It was this past Sunday, November 15 that while walking in the woods, I felt this sense of peace and unshakable faith that I knew, I just knew there is no turning back and that I would never again suffer the way I suffered that time. On Tuesday, the day was very windy and I had this heaviness on my upper back and my shoulders and congestion in my heart, and to me it felt like I was being asked to let go of the heaviest load in my suitcase. So, I asked: “Show me what it is and I will let go of it”. Later that night I stumbled upon some videos saved in my Itunes. I saw this video of the very first lecture I gave in 2013. I wanted to listen to remember what I said and because it was during the same week I was abandoned and cried my eyes out and I decided that same day that, this was going to be the last time I allow this to happen and decided to take charge of my own life. So, I sat down and listened to my past self lovingly. Then on Thursday morning I felt the same heaviness in my shoulders and back again so I said: “I asked you before, to show me what to let go of, but you didn’t, Now, Tell me, what to let go of and I will do it”. After a few minutes I heard: “If we tell you to let go of the heaviest load that has been holding you back, then you would not have an excuse to tell people of why it is taking you so long to fulfill your life purpose”. It made me stop right on my tracks and realized that it was true. I said “Fair enough, yes, I would not have an excuse anymore so I would have to move forward despite the fear of what lies ahead, but scared or not I will do my best to move forward with my life purpose. I have been scared before and I have done it, you know I have”, so then they told me, “The heavies load in your suitcase is your story”. Then I realized, that they did show me what I needed to let go of because they led me to the video of my past self, and now they are also telling me and yes, everything made sense. But how do I let go of my story? How do I let go of what propelled my transformation?... “Unconditional love” they said. After all, I am not my story and what happened to me did not propel my transformation. What happened to me was just a trigger to bring out my true motivation for coming to this world and reminded me that ever since I was born, I am my desire to evolve, I am my desire to shine, I am my desire to explore, I am my desire to connect with people and help them, I am my desire for inner and world peace, I am my desire to live and love! It is not the story but my inner, wholesome desires that propel me and loving myself and my desires unconditionally will get me wherever I am headed. So, these are the only things in my suitcase now. I finally remembered that is true, we are not our story, we are not what happened to us. We can get so caught up in our story that we let it define us and we identify so much with it that it becomes our life. When bad things happen, fear can be a motivator to get us our of danger and that should be completely positive if it get us out of a bad situation but there are deeper, stronger more powerful motivators that keep us in this world. There are deepest wholesome feelings that propel us to be alive and stay in this planet and evolve. Not the fear of dying, not the stress of fulfilling responsibilities, but the true desire to evolve, shine, explore, connect… The powerful desire to live and love
So I had this experience on Thursday, November 19, 2015 but on Sunday, November 15, before my walk in the park, I had a dream about traveling to different planets, meeting new people and coming back home in an airplane and felt very happy when I woke up. On Wednesday, I heard the phrase “We are looking for astronauts” and it just called me. So, on Thursday night, after unloading my story out of my suitcase, I finally had a chance to go see “The Martian” with Matt Damon, without even seeing the trailer ahead of time. While watching the movie it became evident to me that the movie was explaining the way I felt this week. The movie showed clearly the wholesome desire, will power and love of a single human and the focused determination in doing what he must in order to live and go back home. What happened to him was a tragedy and based on his calculation it was evident that he was going to die because he did not have enough food, but that did not make him wan to kill himself even though his death was eminent; and if you think about it, we all know we are going to die someday. Death is eminent, so why don’t we just end it now? Why bother to continue, right? Like I said before, we do not stay here because we are afraid to kill ourselves or because we feel responsible to take care of our family, career, business, community etc. I truly believe deep down we all know there is more to life than this. In the movie, the character uses all his knowledge to grow potatoes and when they showed on the screen the first bud of the potato plant, I remembered something that I always say: “Where there is love, there is life”. When they shows clips of planet Earth from space, it made me say out loud “That’s my planet, I love my planet!”. This movie closed this week’s experience for me with a bang! I am sure now that unloading my suitcase of my story and leaving only my true desire to evolve, shine, explore, connect, live and love will propel me far and wide in this planet, my planet. Home is where the heart is and where there is love, there is life and where there is life there is faith and faith brings us home. It is never about the events that happened to us, it is about awakening our deepest wholesome desires to propel us in fulfilling our life purpose. That, my friends, creates miracles.
So now I ask you, what are your deepest desires that make you live and love in this planet? Sit quietly, go within, notice the signs, listen, remember what bring you joy, unload your story out of your suitcase and see what is left. Find what truly propels you. If I can do it, you can do it :)
August 24, 2013 - Lecture: Landscaping the Garden of Life
Red Bud Tree Story
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Mariela Siwarqinti, Healing Facilitator