Even though I knew something had changed, I already worked the courage to tell him how I felt and yes, he told me something changed and could not accept my offer. Even though nothing became of this, just by telling him how I felt, I at least liberated my heart from this strong emotion and also, liberated my mind from the inadequacy I was feeling towards myself due to the age difference. Ever since, I have been evading him on purpose because I understand that the conditions are not right at the moment and because some of the feelings and yearning have not dissipated completely. There are times when I still think of him and wish the conditions change soon, and there are times I cannot help to feel the absence of his presence in my life. So I do the best I can to avoid seeing him to protect my heart. However, this nigh, it was suggested strongly to me, that the solution is not to hide, but to master these emotions. Let’s face it, he is not going anywhere and I cannot hide forever, and even when a person or situation goes away, we are still left with our feelings to deal with. So the best exercise is to learn how to master my emotional body by practicing compassion for myself as human and equanimity because I know that I can reach peace and nirvana when I centered myself.
I slowed down and drove behind him at what I thought was a “safe” distance but remained singing and feeling the melody. Then the next song that played was “Sex on fire” by Kings of Leon. Do I have to even say more about this song? At this point I was not sure if this was a synchronicity or left over vibration that was bringing him to me, but instead of asking why, I decided to ask, what can I learn from this, how can I use it for my benefit and growth.