Inner Child, Outer Adult

Healing Deep Wounds and Turning Yourself Inside Out

From Lecture at Oasis in Carr Mill

June 10, 2015

So, who here has hurtful memories from childhood? Please raise your hand

·      How many of you have worked on healing those wounds?

o   By forgiving or trying to forgive? Or By forgetting or trying to forget?

o   Which one, are you forgiving or are you forgetting?

·      When I say: “Lets Erase the wound”. How many of you resonate with this solution?

·      Now, How many of you have tried to “Own” your wound?  By Owning the wound, I mean acknowledging what happened and Accepting that whatever happened Caused a Wound that became a source of pain, sorrow, anger, fear…  A Wound that kept us Limited or Scared to Move Forward.

·      Who wants to OWN this, right? But you have to own it in order to heal it.  You may be able to erase a scar, but no an open wound.  The first step towards healing is to be honest with ourselves.  Take ownership of that would and work on healing it.

·      Have you heard the saying “Times Heals”?

·      Have you heard the doctrine that “Time is an Illusion”?

·      Which one do you think is true?

·      Both?

o   If time is an illusion then how can it heal?

o   Is pain also an illusion?... No, that cannot be true, right? Because it feels so real!

o   Time also feels so real… Don’t you feel yourself getting older?

·      Last year, I had a Lucid Dream.  Is everyone familiar with Lucid dreams?

·      I use Lucid Dreams as a tool for my own personal healing.

·      In my dream, before I became Lucid, I was dreaming I woke up in my own apartment.  Everything felt so real!  I woke up and everything was the same in my bedroom, then I opened the door, walked into the living room and saw that Everything was gone!  All my belongings!  In real life, I just moved in and did not have much, and in my dream all was gone; my computer, my furniture, my books.  I felt so violated, afraid, and so, so sad.  See, at that time, in this reality, I just got separated and had to let go of a lot of material possessions.  I accepted it, I made peace with it, but when that dream was happening, I did not I was dreaming, I thought it was reality and thought in my dream “Dear God, I already let go of so much.  How much more do you want me to let go of?” and in my dream I was sad but then I said “OK, I let go, I let go” And accepted that I was robbed and the little I had was gone.  Then I went back into my bedroom and looked out the window thinking, “I still have to call the police and file a report.  Do I do it now or do I go back to sleep” So I looked at my bed and I see a bunk bed.  I do not have a bunk bed in this reality.  When I saw the bunk bed instead of my real bed was when I started to realize this whole thing was a dream.  The whole robbery was a dream and IN my dream I actually said “This is just a dream but it feels so real!” My feelings of pain, deception, sadness and acceptance.  They felt so real!

·      I wanted to mention this dream because of how real the suffering felt and when I realized it was just a dream I felt Relieved and all the negative feelings went away.

·      It felt good to realize it was just a dream because I knew that eventually I will wake up and nothing that happened in the dream would matter.  Right? It’s just a dream.

·      Now, in this reality, people talk about “Awakening”. I don’t think there is total agreement on where we will wake up?  What reality?  Is there such thing as a “Final Reality”?

·      In the meantime, we are stuck here, where everything FEELS REAL.

·      So, it does not matter if wounds are an illusion or not.  We still feel the PAIN whether is mental, physical, or emotional… So, it is best to work on healing them.

·      Not hiding them, not forgetting about them.  They do not go away.  Sometimes, we think they do, usually because we become busy with other things or entertained with a good life, etc.  We have plenty reasons or excuses, whatever you want to call them.

·      I’ll tell you why Time is only an illusion.  Life, is composed of cycles.  Everything starts new and pristine, then starts decaying until it is no longer working in its original form.

·      It is not time that we perceive… We witness the process of the cycle of the things around us and because we also have the cycle of night and day, we believe “time passes by”

·      Since early times humans have attempted to make sense of this, and as they became more intelligent they started assigning a unit of measurement to keep track of the maturity or cycle of something.  We call them time, dates, calendars, almanac.  Chinese culture has their own calendar and of course there are others, the Julian Calendar, Gregorian, Mayan.

·      We have gotten so used to our calendars and times that we do not question its origin, effectiveness or legitimacy.  We have declare them “Truth”

·      It is true, in the idea that measures the passage of a cycle, but that is all.  Time is not a real truth, therefore, time does not heal.

·      In my experience Healing my own inner child, I have felt the wound with the same intensity and memory as the first time it happened. 

·      You think you forget something but when you remember, not only you remember it as a memory but you also recreate it again as an experience in your emotion, your mind and even your physical body. 

·      I have heard from people who are grieving, how they relive the sorrow of the loss of a loved one on the day of the anniversary of the death. 

·      Our body is composed of different elements; intelligent elements that do not need our attention to function.  We do not have to control our digestive system, lymphatic system and others.  They know what to do and work independently from our attention. 

·      Now, we are learning that YES, they work independently BUT we can also communicate with them.  We can communicate with our mind, our organs, our emotions, our heart.  Actually, we have always had this ability and have done so, but in a very unconscious and unproductive way and even cruel way sometimes times. 

·      I have heard people call themselves stupid, fat, toxic… You get the idea.  Sadly this is how some people communicate with themselves.

·      So, eventually I learned to use this direct communication to get in touch with my inner child in a loving and positive way.

·      In the beginning I used to use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique).  Very effective and there are a lot of youtube videos for stress, anxiety, depression.  I encourage to explore it.  You do it every day, once a day and after you learn the main points then you can create your own positive affirmations to do it.   

·      The method that has worked for me the most is a combination of journaling dreams, meditation on the main message of the dream, doing loving kindness meditation or doing Ho’oponopono for forgiveness.  I can tell you more about them later if would like.

·      Also, sending Reiki to the past, which is really sending Reiki to the person you were when that hurtful event was happening.  It is amazing how peaceful I feel the next day after doing it.  I usually feel like a weight was lifted off me. I feel great the next day!  Not everyone knows Reiki.  But if you have a Reiki practitioner, ask them to do this for you. It is very effective.

·      Journaling your dreams is a great technique.  It is important to remember that most of the time, every character in the dream represent one part of ourselves from our mind, that is calling for attention.  For example, Now I know that one of my grandmothers represents those stubborn ideas that have been deeply embedded from childhood that are hard to change. 

·      My great grandmother represents the family or world traditions that are even more deeply embedded and identify me with a particular culture, religion, social classification etc.  One of my sisters represents my logical and organizational thinking. 

·      I have done deep work to find this out and they are all very personal so you have to do this yourself as well.  Let me tell you dreams are a gateway to your mind.  Your mind is constantly communicating with you.  Pay attention and take advantage of this direct communication.  Your inner child talks through your mind too, because chances are you have buried hurtful childhood memories in your subconscious, so when you dream, things are highlighted for you to take notice.  It is personal, it is intimate it is a conversation between you and you. If you practice self-love, how can you ignore your own conversation?  It’s like ignoring that child that just wanted love.  Pay attention.  Start journaling your dreams.

·      Most people don’t pay attention to their dreams and not many journal their dreams, even when they think they may be important or vivid.  But let me tell you, Just by journaling your dreams you will get insight of what it means.  As you write, as you speak it to record it, your mind will take you to the meaning.  Everything happens in your mind and you are the best translator for it.

·      I record my dreams.  I usually take about 20 minutes.  I do it as soon as I wake up and as I record, more insight or explanation comes.  They can be in the form of a feeling, a word, a vision, a number, a song.  You will know, you will know and you will get it. 

·      Once in a while I get stuck and do not understand what the dream means.  Then a month later I go back, listen to the recording again, then understand it better. 

·      This for me is direct communication from my different levels of consciousness. So why would I not pay attention to me?  They may be calling for healing, forgiving, going for a rewarding opportunity or they can be a warning message about a situation that could be detrimental.

·      Now, there are multiple ways to get one result.  If you don’t want to be intimate with yourself and journal your dreams to heal something in you, you can just recall an specific event.  Can all of you recall at least one experience from childhood that is still bothering you?  Have you done anything about it? Ok, recall it now.  We are going to play with a strategy I call “Dissecting the memory” We will be separating the memory into little pieces until it dissipates and disintegrates.

·      OK, so, close your eyes and recall a painful memory from childhood.  Take a breath.  In comparison, to the first time it happened, from the scale of 1 to 10, 10 being: It makes me feel exactly as the time it happened and 0 being: I have no feeling or attachment to that memory.  How would you rate it? Just think it.  Be mindful of your physical and emotional reactions.

·      If something similar would happen to you today or if you witness the same experience you had happening to your child or a child you care about today; how much would it bother you?  What reaction would it trigger?  Anger, Fear.  Think about it and feel your emotions, and your physical body responding to this thought.  You can open your eyes.

·      Most of the time fear disguises itself as anger.  It is actually for your protection because that inner child is still wounded and feeling fear and it makes it powerless.  With anger, we can at least scream at the monster to leave us alone or kick it back to get even, so anger can be just a little bit better than feeling powerless.

·      But, neither fear nor anger heals the fact that you believe there is a monster or you were victim and became hurt by it.

·      Healing is more than hiding, forgetting about it or defending yourself.  It is not hard to heal; it just takes practice, like everything else.

·      OK, so now that you have recalled this episode of your childhood, let’s be aware of the elements here.  We are going to add elements little by little and you are going to notice how your body responds every time you add an element.  Check for physical or emotions reactions in your heart area, stomach, throat… Anywhere where you feel a response.  Just notice that response.  So, close your eyes again.

1.     First let’s start with the visual part, the memory of you and the things and people around you.  Just the visual part. No words, no sounds, no smells, no temperature, no feeling. Just recall the visual.

2.     Add temperature.  Even if you do not remember, based on the visual, how warm or cold do you think it was?  What season; winter, fall, your best guess is fine.

3.     Add smells.  Did the event happened indoors or outdoors, was the place old and musty, is there food around, flowers, perfumes, smell of your house.  Add them to your movie.

4.     Now add sounds.  No words yet, just sound, noise, music.

·      How are we doing so far?  Any physical pain? Body temperature change? Change in your breathing speed? Change in your mood? Any change at all?

·      Be ware of all changes and take your time.  We are doing this as if the memory is coming in slow motion so that you can ping point every reaction of your body, whether is physical or emotional or both.

5.     If there is a taste involved also add it. Add the intensity of the flavor and watch your body’s reaction. 

6.     Now that we have added elements that come from our senses, now lets add dialog, the exchange of communication that happened for that memory.  How loud are they, how hurtful do they FEEL.  Have these words changed the intensity of what you are feeling in your physical or emotional body?  Now that the memory is complete, open your eyes.   

7.   Think of how many elements took for you to feel this way.  Do you remember how many? Between the sounds, smells, visual, words, Where you even counting?

8.     Well, it does not matter because the number of elements you added are not important.  What is important is that this ONE memory is not a WHOLE, it is not In One Piece.  It is not solid, It is not concrete.

9.     This memory is composed of multiple elements.  As you take elements away its intensity diminishes. It holds less power and therefore easier to deal with.

·      When you are really aware, you realized that a memory is something our mind has recorded and our minds are mighty powerful.  It can record and recall something exactly the way we THOUGHT it happened.

·      The most important thing you have to remember is that this is just a recording.  The event happened in the past.  It is not the event but the movie we recorded that is taking over our emotions.  The things or places, people that were part of this recording may not even exist anymore, so why is this recording affecting you?

·      Well, we are seeing it as a WHOLE, as something as real as this floor because not only you can visualize it but also you can feel it.  It seems tangible, it seems real.

·      So the trick is to detach the feeling from the visual part of the memory.  Now that we have separated this event into elements it should be much easier to heal from it.

·      So lets remember the event as a witness rather than a participant.  Removing our emotions from the event will make us avoid judging ourselves as victims of the event.

·      When we step into the role of the witness, we can move forward instead of remaining stuck.  Moving forward is a breakthrough.  New worlds open up every time we have a breakthrough, believe me J

·      Having compassion for the characters is important too.  All the characters in this memory; all of them because we are neutral now, this is not happening to us; this is just a memory and we are witnessing it.

·      For the sake of time I will give an example for a memory where Anger is involved.  In the memory, you can see the recipient of the angry attack and the sender of this anger.

·      How can you not feel compassion for someone receiving a message full of anger.  In this case, YOU, the wounded child.  You were just a child. A loving child full of dreams and a sense of wonder.

·      At the same time, YOU can also feel compassion for the person sending the anger because when you pay attention to your body, you know that the Emotion of Anger is very uncomfortable.   

·      Feelings like, a strain in your heart, shallow breathing, sweat, tension in the muscles.  In Buddhism, Anger is considered a poison.  How can you not call it a poison when it causes this kind of effect in your body.

·      Seeing it from this perspective, how can you not feel compassion for someone releasing this poison.  The first person to taste the poison of anger is the person who created it.   Have compassion for that person.

·      If you have ever sent anger to someone you can also forgive yourself for releasing this poison to your body, mind and heart.  Have self-compassion.

·      OK, so, what is compassion really?  Compassion is wholehearted desire of relief, whether is for yourself or for others. 

·      Now, how to be compassionate? To feel compassion, you have to elevate the wounded child and the person who created the wound, both at the same level of your most beloved person.  Everyone in your childhood memory have to be elevated to the level of the person you love the most.  Because just as you wish be happy, they wish be happy.  Just as you have felt suffering, they have felt suffering.  All of us were little children once and all of us experienced something that kicked us out of our innocence and tenderness.  Some more severe than others so have compassion for all.

·      Let’s do this really quickly.  Close your eyes.  Now, recall a person alive or in spirit form who inspires you or someone who loves you dearly.  Someone who brings you joy.  Can be a child, person a pet.  Feel that loving emotion in your physical and emotional body.  Feel the way that person makes you feel.  Now, visualize yourself and the people involved in your childhood memory in the same way, just like your beloved and wish them well, wish them love, wish them relief.  Open your eyes.

·      Now, from here. We can do a loving kindness meditation.  We do not have enough time to do it today but I encourage you to keep the momentum of this exercise and do it tonight before you go to sleep.  Notice if it is easier to fall a sleep and how you feel in the morning.  Notice if there is any difference and what kind of dreams you had and journal them please.  Communicate with yourself.

·       What I also want you to do is to go back and recall the very first memory you had of your life.  Recall the very first memory that filled you with joy as a child.  What was it? How old where you?  How Happy are you?  Close your eyes and recall it. What is your most joyful memory of your childhood?  Take a breath and enjoy it for a minute.

·      Mine is the memory of my great grandfather.  I loved him unconditionally.  That is the real inner child.  Every time I recall it I return to my innocence.

·      Recall your most joyful memory when you were a child and live it again, feel it again, reclaim that child, and reclaim that innocence.  That is your heart in pure state. Open your eyes

·      So, to close, just take note and start working on healing your childhood wounds, start direct communication with your inner child by paying attention to your dreams.  Recall the most joyful memories you had when you were a child and do the things the child in you would love to do.  Who cares what everyone says, Have a breakthrough.  Every time you have a breakthrough you open doors to new possibilities, you expand, You drop fears and break emotional chains.

·      You will see that little by little your inner child will start trusting you and will know that you are the adult they have been waiting for their whole life so that they can come out and play feeling safe and joyful once again.  You will be their hero.  So be your own hero.  Be your own hero!

This article is the property of Mariela Siwarqinti. No one may alter and/or reproduce it in any way without the express written permission of Mariela Siwarqinti.

Mariela Siwarqinti, Healing Facilitator

mariela.siwarqinti@hotmail.com

973-330-6778

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